I think I may have figured out something from my past. Growing up, there was a lot of fighting in my house from ages 7 to 10. My mom and dad fought a lot before their divorce. My mom and my older sister fought a lot too. And then there was my grandmother and aunt who fought a lot because of my Aunt’s alcoholism. I remember I would leave the house whenever there was fighting to get away from it. I’d get on my bike and I’d just ride away and stay out for hours to escape the fighting. I never understood all the drama. The screaming and the yelling.

No that I am older, I still don’t like the drama. I don’t understand it. When I get mad, I get over it pretty quickly. I am trying to break a bad habit of when I get stressed or overwhelmed, I will escape my current situation getting in my car and going to a store. I just walk around the store going to familiar parts of the store to shop around, it gives me comfort. It might not be the same thing, but it seems to be a plausible pattern. It may also be why I score as being ‘too nice’ or ‘conflict avoidant’ on personality tests.

Another couple of unrelated things that might effect me is that I never felt that my bio dad approved of me or thought I was smart enough for him. I have always felt the need to learn more and work harder to prove him wrong is some sense. This is just a little part, mainly work hard and learn stuff because I enjoy it. It might have less to do with that and more to do with wanting other people to like me. Maybe white I often feel uncomfortable in group settings and feel like I’m from the outside looking into the party/people having fun. Rather than being a part of it.

These are just little things. I don’t think they effect me too much, just a couple of thoughts that were on my mind recently.